Megan Norris on using her book to help survivors of family violence

Megan is a journalist and acclaimed author. Her first book, Perfect Victim, which she co-authored with Elizabeth Southall was made into the movie In Her Skin. She is about to republish Look What You Made Me Do, which won the 2016 Australian Sisters in Crime Davitt Award for best non-fiction. This true crime book examines cases of men who kill their children to take revenge on their spouse.

Passionate about helping women and children subjected to abuse at home, Megan is raising money for a refuge in Queensland at her official book launch on Saturday 5 August. Read on as we discuss The Sanctuary’s valuable work and more.

Megan, thank you for spending time with me today and congratulations on your amazing body of work. Look What You Made Me Do explores a harrowing topic. What inspired you to tackle this issue?

I covered court for years as a journalist on a big newspaper in the UK, and later specialised in Crown Court, equivalent to the supreme court here, and the high court, which sees the worst of the worst cases. One thing that struck me was that while I saw the worst in people, I also saw the best in people through the surviving families. They needed to know what happened, so they’d sit through the most chilling evidence, and I watched them crumble, but they’d be back again the next day. Many of them set up a legacy to honour the family member they’d lost, as they wanted their life to matter.

The system is very much weighted in favour of the person on trial in the interests of giving them a fair trial. Of course, there has to be justice, but there’s no justice for the families left behind. There are lot of untold stories. So, I did a U-turn. My day job was to write about what happened before the courts, so I had to be fair and impartial, but I wanted to tell the stories of the people sitting in the back of the court. The survivors. Back then, we didn’t have victim impact statements, so I wanted to show what their lives had become.

After I came to Australia, I continued to focus on the voices that have not been heard. I wrote about many high-profile murder cases, and one of them sent me on a different trajectory. Robert Farquharson murdered his three sons by driving his car into an icy dam and leaving them to drown while he swam away and hitched a ride to tell his ex the news. He wanted to see her grief first-hand – to know she was suffering.

The media portrayed offenders like this as desperate men who committed crimes of passion amidst custody disputes, but this makes no sense to me. Why would a man who is complaining about reduced access kill his own flesh and blood on an access visit? The over-riding motivation of  retaliatory filicide is revenge. They are the ultimate acts of domestic violence. In cases like this, the children aren’t even the targets of a killer’s rage. The true target is the victims’ mother. The father is inflicting a lifelong punishment on his spouse.

When I wrote his ex-wife Cindy’s book, On Father’s Day, I observed first-hand the enduring nature of the suffering Farquharson had inflicted. She was hooked on prescription drugs and robbed of any future joy. She eventually had other children, but her joy was fleeting.

To further understand the nature of revenge crimes, I revisited other similar stories I’d covered and thought I’d write a chapter about them to give Cindy’s suffering some perspective. But they were all such powerful stories that to bury them in a chapter in another woman’s book was a disservice. I told the women I’m going to keep what you’ve told me and do a different book completely.

Look What You Made Me Do explores nine different cases of ‘spousal revenge’ over thirty years. I wanted to give the public an understanding of what it was like for the surviving parent. Some women took their own life because they couldn’t live with the endless grief. I wanted readers and police and lawyers to understand that this is what these crimes are all about.

I examined these couples’ relationships from the start to the separation, and found that in every case, the danger point was a recent separation or when the man understood that his partner wasn’t returning, that she’d moved on and it was over. The women raised red flags in every case, but a lack of awareness, and a lack of education and training for police and front-line workers meant red flags were dismissed and ignored. Threats were made. Men would threaten to kill themselves, then they’d threaten murder suicide, then they’d say they wanted to make the woman suffer, so their focus shifted to the children. Pleas for help were minimized, and men were allowed to have child access. All the men argued they needed to see their children more, yet all of the children were killed on access visits.

Their hatred for their ex-wife is greater than any love they had for their children. They weren’t hands on Dads, they saw their wives and children in a proprietorial way. They blamed the wife for their own violence, they blamed them for leaving the marriage and for the crime itself. They’re self-righteous offenders.

Why is the book being republished?

The book was published in 2015, and it won the 2016 Australian Sisters in Crime Davitt Award for best non-fiction, but the publisher was disappearing, so they’d only done a limited print run, and by the time the award was announced, there weren’t many print copies left. Last year, I wrote another survivor story, and that sparked a request for my back titles, which weren’t in print, so my new publisher, Big Sky, asked if I’d revisit Look What You Made Me Do. I agreed and undertook new research to add new chapters and give it currency.

My first book was based on 2012 research, and new filicide studies had been conducted since then, so I wrote new material to reflect them. What hadn’t changed was that in almost all cases, the offender was male and there was a background of domestic violence. Women kill too, but they tend to be victims of domestic violence. They tend to kill younger children due to mental health issues, substance abuse, or neglect. But these deliberate killings are almost all committed by biological fathers.

The early studies showed a lack of understanding of what constitutes domestic violence. They looked at high school students and found the majority of young girls thought it was okay to have a tracking device on your phone, and it was okay for a boyfriend to slap you if you do something wrong. While more Australians now recognize that violence in any form, eg. verbal, sexual, coercive or financial control, is not okay and would intervene if they saw a man being violent to a woman, more Australians believe that women returning to a violent relationship, are contributing to the violence against them. They don’t understand that many women go back because there’s nowhere else to go.

As the most recent cases I studied show, coercive control was as dangerous and harmful as physical violence. For example, a man might take his partner’s car keys, stalk her, bug her phone, make her wear clothes he chose and give the silent treatment. These guys punish with silence which can go on for weeks … until they erupt.

How do you prosecute those things? In Queensland, we’re about to introduce new laws which make them a criminal offence.

I understand you are sharing your book launch sales with a refuge. Can you tell us a bit about them?

The Sanctuary is a rural property that houses survivors of domestic violence. It’s unique because it’s one of the few places that takes boys over twelve, and it’s the only place that takes pets. These obstacles keep women trapped. In some cases, the perpetrator had stabbed the family dog. And what is a mother going to do if their eldest is a boy over twelve? Will she put him in foster care and break up the family?

The worst thing for the woman who runs the place is when someone calls, and she’s got nowhere to put them. She dreads answering the phone when she’s full.

I spent the day there recently. There were two little girls skipping around the backyard, someone was nursing a baby and there was a parrot and some ducks. It was both peaceful and chaotic. The owner described having one boy who wouldn’t go to school because he was so afraid his dad would come and get his mum. He’d become self-appointed security, hyper-vigilant. They had to persuade him they could keep his mother safe.

A woman came over with a dog, and when I went to stroke it, the dog flinched, which shows how everyone in the family is traumatized. They need to heal with their pets. There are a number of welfare places that will take your pet, but it’s not the same as being together.

What support does The Sanctuary need?

What the refuge really needs is cash donations to buy essentials, particularly things like toiletries, clothes, baby formula, bottles and furniture. The kids arrive in the clothes they stand up in. They also need iPads, mobile phones (most have had these smashed over their heads by violent partners when they try to call police), and laptops. I’ve been asking for used electronics in good working order, and I’m hoping to raise money to buy an iPad for every child, along with a backpack, school shoes, uniforms, books etc.

I’m organising a raffle and silent auction to raise money at the book launch that will go directly to the refuge – and the proceeds of my books on the day (which are part of the cost of the lunch ticket) will be donated to the auction. I’ve bought the books from my publisher at cost price, so the refuge will get $15 donation on every book. I won’t make a cent – but they will. I feel this book ought to do something good to make a difference in some small way, and this is my way of doing it.

I’ve had a fabulous response from my writing community and have books of all genres making their way to me to put into book lover hampers with chocolates and bubbles, which I’ll raffle and auction to raise money. Any other gifts, no matter how small, will be gratefully received. Everything will be raffled or auctioned or put into a hamper of gifts to raise money.

The Sanctuary are also transforming a big old bus into a children’s playroom, so they need toys, kids books, a new floor and some reno work that I’m encouraging tradies to help out with. And I’ve found a fairy to open their new kids fairy garden – now all we need are plants from a garden centre and some helpers to create the garden.

We also need money for pet food and food for the residents, and things that will help these women when they move into their own accommodation.

Without this refuge, I have no doubt some of these children and their mothers would end up in one of my books. I don’t want to write about them when they’re dead – I want to write about them rebuilding their lives and doing wonderful things.

Gold Coast radio personality, Moyra Major, is hosting the launch and is right behind the cause, and the book has been endorsed by significant figureheads in domestic violence. Dr Debbie Kirkwood is the internationally renowned expert on retaliatory filicide. She wrote the foreword to my earlier book, On Father’s Day.

The book launch for Look What You Made Me Do will be held at The Parkwood Club, Napper Road, Parkwood from 12-4pm on Saturday 5 August. You are all invited: Invitation to Book Launch Look What You Made Me Do

You can follow Megan on:
Email: megan@newscoop.com.au
Website: www.newscoop.com.au
Facebook: megan.norris.984 and megannorrisnews
Insta: www.megannorris_author
Booksales link: Booktopia look-what-you-made-me-do

You can find out more about The Sanctuary and donate here: The Sanctuary

Next time: an interview with Sara Adrian on the thrill of writing treasure hunts